Cattle Branding

Oh my goodness you guys. I helped brand cattle.


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I just, what? I did what? Sometimes, I do things, and then I look back on them and think that I must be clinically insane. It might take an hour, or a day, or a few years, but eventually I look back at the things I’ve done and I just don’t know where I get the cajones to do these things. But hey, look at that. Cajones. Because I tackled a cow today.

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Looking back on that from the comfort of my living room as I pop Advil like candy, probably not my best idea! But hey, now I can say I tackled a damn cow. LOOK AT THESE CAJONES.

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Having been a certified rancher for all of eight hours, I feel I can impart some wisdom to everyone.

First recommendation: wear sunscreen, even though you know it’s going to rain all day. Because it won’t rain all day. It’ll get blazing hot around noon and you will come home to a neon pink nose.

Second recommendation: Don’t try to stay clean. It is a pointless, losing battle. Also relevant to this: forget about that fear of cow poop, cause it’s all up in your hair now.

Third recommendation: bring a boy with you. Because he will literally have THE TIME OF HIS LIFE.

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When I first told Colin that we would be attending a cattle branding, he was not impressed. I had just committed him to rolling around in mud and poop for an entire Sunday. He was Not Pleased. But eventually – with promises of delicious food and fun times – he came around. When we got there, he was a little wary of it all, and understandably so with his lingering concussion symptoms. He sat back and watched us rope and tug a few times, then hopped into the ring with his own rope. And let me tell you: Colin had so much fun it’s ridiculous. He was actually pretty good at roping calves – way better than I was. For someone who had only touched a cow for the first time that morning, I was pretty impressed with how well he did.

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Luckily there were many large cowboy type men who took on the real work of getting the calves to the ground and holding them there while someone applied a red hot poker to their ass cheeks. I held one down once, and holy crap those baby cows are strong. Then again. I’d be pretty damn strong too if someone tried to brand my ass.



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