Let’s Discuss 50 Shades of Grey

Shall we?

I haven’t made it a big secret that I loathe this book and I haven’t even read it. 

When I started hearing the buzz about 50 Shades a few months ago, it was marketed as ‘Nora Roberts, but dirtier’. I was INTRIGUED, I will not lie. I love me some Nora Roberts. So yes, I was interested in this supposedly ‘dirtier’ Nora Roberts book DO NOT JUDGE ME.

Alongside the buzz, though, was tiny cries from the literary community. And anyone who has actually read a good book in their life. Those little cries sounded like this.

Listen to the cries, my people. That book is shit, shit and more shit. And again, I haven’t even read it. I don’t need to waste my money on sub-par fanfic about BDSM that you could get FOR FREE ON THE INTERNET.

And let me just say, E.L. James is no Nora Roberts. Again, I have not read the entire book, and have formed my opinion entirely on talking to people who have read it, articles and blogs. But those excerpts that people have so kindly included in their reviews leave nothing to the imagination, and even the author herself says she’s not much of a writer.

EVIDENCE:

“I know I’ve never had a boyfriend, and Christian only qualifies as such for ease of reference – but is it so unbelievable that I could attract a man? This man? Yes, frankly – look at him – my subconscious snaps. Oh, shut up! Who invited you to the party?”

YOU CAN’T HEAR YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS THAT’S WHY IT’S SUBCONSCIOUS.

So you can imagine my horror when every woman in my office is talking about it. When ever other lady over the age of 50 is reading it on park benches, or discussing it in open air cafes. Go away, terrible book! Go away, terrible movie adaptation which will surely make bajillions of dollars!

I was once a Twilight fan. I read the books when they first came out, before the hype. Yes, I was a Twilight hipster. Oh yes, I enjoyed those books until I realized, through help of many blogs, articles and reviews, that Twilight really depicts an exceptionally unhealthy relationship. When I started seeing Twilight through that lens, and thinking about how the controlling relationships in that book will affect the future relationships of  millions of young girls, I was done. And I bet you a millions shiny grey ties that there are 13-year-olds all over the world who are sneaking this out of their moms or sisters rooms to read it.

I’m not saying people shouldn’t read it. Read whatever the hell you want. Look at me and my Nora Roberts addiction! Just don’t pretend like it’s the second coming of Anna Karenina. And don’t pretend that Ana and Christian’s relationship is something to strive for. Cause any relationship where buddy gets to dictate when and what you EAT is not worth whatever kind of unreal sex your having.

#LifeLessons

I mean, can you imagine? I’d totally start vindictively eating like, an entire block of cheese just to piss him off. I’d crack open a bag of chips in the grocery aisle and just go to freaking town, creepily keeping eye contact the entire time. COME AT ME BRO.

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